7 years...

A lack of answers is part of what makes sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) so frightening. SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants who are 1 month to 1 year old, and claims the lives of about 2,500 infants each year in the United States. It remains unpredictable despite years of research. Even so, you can take steps to help reduce the risk of SIDS in your infant. First and foremost, put your infant to sleep on his or her back if the baby is younger than 1 year old.

Just one paragraphs says so much, yet so little. This paragraph has changed in the last 7 years, that number used to be 5000. Double! The amount of children lost to this horribly unknown disorder was double just 7 years ago. I learned how devistating it is to have to witness this event and I am a stronger person for it, no doubt about it. I often find myself more judgemental about the situation as well. If people know the risks can be reduced so greatly, then why do some still avoid it? I just don't understand, then again, hind sight is 20/20. I have seen how torn the parents felt after losing their child, I have seen how empty a house sounds after losing their child, and I have seen the nightmares over and over of feeling so helpless when it happens in your own home. It took moving for my heart to stop racing going up the stairs, and selling our house to feel like my children would be okay, and seperating myself from the event to move on. I often wonder if my girls being delayed and not being able to roll over was to keep my sanity, yk?

Also, infants who succumb to SIDS may have an abnormality in the arcuate nucleus, a part of the brain that may help control breathing and awakening during sleep. If a baby is breathing stale air and not getting enough oxygen, the brain usually triggers the baby to wake up and cry. That movement changes the breathing and heart rate, making up for the lack of oxygen. But a problem with the arcuate nucleus could deprive the baby of this involuntary reaction and put him or her at greater risk for SIDS.

This was and obviously still is the single reason that I think J was affected, he was 5 days shy of 6 months old, and he was a male and it was winter, all risk factors, but I still search for reasons. I wonder if the feeling of not accomplishing as much as possible while he was alive will ever go away. Did I do enough to make his life the best it could be? Did I nurture him enough that he would remember? Though he was only 6 months old, these questions come up almost every day for me... It's a pain that I don't think will ever go away.

While infants can be brought into a parent's bed for nursing or comforting, parents should return them to their cribs or bassinets when they're ready to sleep. It's a good idea to keep the cribs and bassinets in the room where parents' sleep. This has been linked with a lower risk of SIDS.

This has been the biggest reason in the state of MN. Of the last 12 cases reported (since J) and the 5 before his death, they were all found on an adult mattress, some with the parent, some without any adult. It's hard for me not to see a link, ya know? Now I know that over half the cases for the US are in the midwest, though it doesn't help my feelings about the event. Some days I just wonder if I will hurt any less right before Thanksgiving... or if M&M's faces the day they recognized the color from her dream the night before it happened being in the room he passed in... will haunt me forever. You're heart just goes out to someone that you can do nothing for but stand back and witness them go through the pain...

They have since lost another son due to a heart defect, 10 months later in fact. They have since had a little girl and she is completely healthy and doing well. They have showed great strength in accepting what God intended for them, it's a faith like no other. I have taken from that strength and tried to move forward as much as I can. It helped me a great deal with Camryn's issues, and most of all my cousins. Losing two cousins under 40 within 4 months of each other is insane. It really makes you wonder if it's true...
"only the good die young"


This event, on this day makes me feel one thing, Absolute Gratitude for what I have! I have four children, mostly healthy, with me every day to make me smile, laugh, cry, mad, and whatever other emotion that can happen. I have four little reminders that I am alive, I am able, and I can make a difference to help others see how lucky they are to have what they have. Having a positive outlook despite what we go through is something I am often asked about. How do you do it? How do you not fall apart? How do you make the most of things? And all I can say is, when you have seen/experienced true loss, everything else is minor and it's not worth sweating the small stuff! Living, all kinds of living is something you gain, so make the most of it and keep moving forward! It's at this time of year, when most figure out why they are thankful that I am reminded of just how lucky I really am to have lived the life I have and be here to talk about it :)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!