Seriously???

I have often thought about Camryn's condition and found myself needing reminding that she can do anything, this will not stop her, slow her down, or prevent her from a normal life. I have often thought she would work with children, maybe even special needs children to try and give back everything she has been given, or maybe a teacher??? In all this time, in all the talent she has shown us there are certain things that I never thought could be a possitiblity and not because of ability, but just because those professions are often not sought after (which explains why we pay through the nose for those services!!!) but none the less, someone's gotta do it, right??? Some people are just born to do certain things...





I just would have never guessed a plumber, honestly, NEVER.

And just in case you didn't get to see enough the first time...


Ok, I will stop now :)

Was that it???

Man... this holiday keeps passing faster every year! I feel like if I blink I will be in the same spot, just with more people opening gifts! Could this be? I am getting older and feeling just how fast the world goes round??? There are no words, so I will post pictures!
I think they forgot to spread the branches up and down as well and just stuck with side to side, LOL! (As long as I don't have to do it, I DON'T CARE!!!)

Can you find Mikayla?







My own little snowflake!



For those of you who know what the TUTTIE TAH dance is!



I hope you all had a little of the Christmas Spirit today!

Thanksgiving (GRISWOLD STYLE!)

Ok, so Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday for me. Despite this was the first holiday I KNEW something was really wrong with Mike when he sat down in my parent's family room. I still have tons to be thankful for, and I am. But this year, it's odd. Despite trying to remain positive, despite all the good strides we have had, the thing I am most thankful for is so materialistic. My parents renovated their first floor. The colors, the furniture, the textiles, tons of things. So now the rooms don't look the same to me, it really helped me detach the negativity I feel with this holiday. I am thankful for another step in moving on...

So here are some pictures, food, family, and furnishings!

First, the star of course! Turkey, Taters, and Trimmings!



This apple walnut gorganzola salad was easy and to die for!!!!

I am a big fan of the silestone and backsplash and sink and....surprisingly, the floors!




Leaning tower of BREAD

Camryn just couldn't wait, so I snapped a shot to stand for impatience!

I just love this mug!

Dan's mom and my grandmother, a seriously helpless medical pair!

I am serious, I was never this camera shy, what is his deal???

My girls always color to kill time, still funny to watch!



The deer in the headlights look signaling it was time to go...

Morning Brunch

So I know that no one else can tell, but I can. Camryn looks different to me when she is about to have a seizure. Aside from the headaches, aside from the constant talking about puking, she just looks different. Every mom knows what I am talking about. The eyes look sunken, or pink around the crease, or just dark circles, but their little bodies look like they are working just a little harder. I noticed it in Cam on Thanksgiving morning, and even though she is smiling, I can still see it.


So can you see it or am I just nuts???

Well we did make something new! Duncan Heins Carrot Cake Sweet Induldgence! We did it cupcake style!



But of course, Mikayla has to be different...

When 4 year old hands are in on the project...

Ok, so the girls love stuff that is pretty, but they also like to create and I am finally fed up with looking for something that is "just right". So I now have a new favorite store, Michael's. We picked up a few things for under $5 and headed home. Since Camryn has had so many stays at the hospital, I want her to have something of her own that will go with her. So we made her a bag.


And since she couldn't wait for it to dry... it looks like this!

6 weeks!

Dare I say it? It's been six weeks today since Camryn had a full on seizure. She is still showing symptoms that she is close, but no seizure! I can't tell you how nice it's been to knock out some serious stuff like Christmas shopping, house orginization, and just plain errand running that I can stay on top of! I am hoping that we get a couple more weeks out of this, but I am pretty sure I am dreaming, so for now, I am just going to basque in the beautiful 6 week Wednesday of it all!

Three More Weeks!

So it's not secret I am a music lover. It's no secret that I dance in my office and get caught all the time! It's no secret that I am the person driving down the road singing at the top of her lungs and enjoying every second of it. It's also no secret that I spend some serious jing on a 5 day cruise that is full of music. So now you're asking yourself, how can a mom of four afford to go to all these concerts, buy these CDs, and do a cruise once a year????? I will let you in on a little secret! INDEPENDENTS!!!!

Independents are people who don't use major labels to get their music out there because they have a problem with authority, so to speak. They don't want record labels involved creatively (seriously, the definition of rock and roll and basis of it's foundation was not being told what to do, wasn't it??? LOL) So they do it all on their own, creating CDs, paying for studio time, Driving around the country in a conversion van, doing all their own marketing and scheduling. It's a rough road, but most are willing to do all that just so they can be themselves and share what they love. Now for those of you who are not into the independent underground, you have no idea what you are missing!

Shows are about 10-20$ MAX, It's often less than 500 people in the room with you, and often, you can be heard if you blurt something out! Now I did this just at Matt Nathanson's with his opener, it was awesome! The band, "The Break and Repair Method" was talking about how much they love him and how they were going to kidnap him and we weren't going to see him. So I yelled out "Not if we kidnap him first!!!" And he laughed and responded "Now that's my kind of CRRRRRAAAAAZZY!!!" Hysterical to say the least! It's this that I live for! I love going to a show that I can interact, I feel like my money is worth so much more! Also, there are just some artists who started this way, later joined or created a label when it was too much work for them and then give back to help others out there.
Now most of you may not know this but Hanson, (yes, um bop) hosts the best singer songwriter week in the country!!! You have to get chosen and it's often only one band member. They are recognized in the industry for some seriously creative music! And they are on the boat this year (www.sixthman.net) and I am actually looking forward to it, it shocks me!
Another band who has done the same to give back is SISTERHAZEL. they are the organizers of the boat, the reason all these independents have started working hard to get on the boat because they know once they get on there, they are golden. There are so many artist that are now going mainstream for song time that all started as stow aways and I am proud to support it! So when Veronica called me and told me that they were coming for the first time in 4 years to Minneapolis, I said, "SIGN ME UP!" Am I going to see them in 53 days for 5 days straight, drinking with us, talking with us, having dinner with us, and getting into just as much trouble? YES, does that matter? NO WAY! It's all about the private shows, where they walk right in front of you doing accoustic, and take 10 minutes to see what you think about how the cruise has changed over the years, and the real personal connection of sharing what they love to do. Can you tell I am excited? After at least 10 appearances I can tell you this band is worth seeing!!! Check them out!!!

So Busy I Can Almost Stand It.

So since the lay-off there has been a re-distribution of work. We are all picking up our part to help get it all done. It's a constant madhouse all the time, and there is less conversation for less distraction. Now don't get me wrong, I love when we all start yelling banter from office to office and I love when we give each other crap and when my stomach hurts at the end of the day from laughing so hard. However, this year is a little different. It's our busy season and last year I had someone in my ear constantly rambling and it was so distracting and I felt like I had to work when they weren't there to get my job done. Now this year I am ahead of schedule, able to take 3-4 hours and get more done in the 8 I used to work at work. There is work being dropped off at my desk constantly and there is never a shortage! Not to mention the office I need to clean out next to mine with plenty of filing for 2006. Let alone 2007! I am thinking that you're all like, WHAT? IS SHE CRAZY!?!?!?!?? She's glad to have too much work? See, I have learned that if you have too much work, that means you're needed. If you always have something to do, then you always look busy. If you move at the constantly busy speed long enough, when you run out of things to do, it makes you hunt for special projects or helping others. This all looks good. In this day in age, the more you can do, the busier you look, the more likely you are to have a job!!! And with this economy, who wouldn't be thankful for that???
So said person who was let go is out there looking for a job in the field that is the easiest to get one in (tons of accounting jobs are open here) and yet, you still have to have initiative and be an active searcher to make it happen. You have to make yourself different and noticable, yk? So as I try to help this person stay upbeat about everything happening to her recently, I know it won't do much good. I find it sad. There are some things you can't bring out in people if they don't see it in themselves. And for those like me, who try to find the good in the negative and try to push, no matter what you are dealt, it's frustrating. Frustrating as hell. I recognize the control freak factor, but it's not like I get anything out of it by helping other recognize potential. Aside from the feeling of good from helping people. I just hate watching people waste potential, it's another twisted control freak symptom, yes, I know.

I guess I will just have to find a way to deal with it, but I hope to someday find a way to help people recognize their capabilities for the better and maybe, just maybe, help them get the confidence to make a change, make a difference. Until then, I will fester with frustration in those situations :)

They are done!

My Christmas cards are made, addressed, and just need postage! How expensive is that stuff! I have another set that I need to print off labels for, but that mail merge has been more daunting since we have gotten Microsoft Office 07! I hope to send them out on Wednesday, and try to be ahead of the game this year, but we'll see!!!
I hope they brighten everyone's season!

7 years...

A lack of answers is part of what makes sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) so frightening. SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants who are 1 month to 1 year old, and claims the lives of about 2,500 infants each year in the United States. It remains unpredictable despite years of research. Even so, you can take steps to help reduce the risk of SIDS in your infant. First and foremost, put your infant to sleep on his or her back if the baby is younger than 1 year old.

Just one paragraphs says so much, yet so little. This paragraph has changed in the last 7 years, that number used to be 5000. Double! The amount of children lost to this horribly unknown disorder was double just 7 years ago. I learned how devistating it is to have to witness this event and I am a stronger person for it, no doubt about it. I often find myself more judgemental about the situation as well. If people know the risks can be reduced so greatly, then why do some still avoid it? I just don't understand, then again, hind sight is 20/20. I have seen how torn the parents felt after losing their child, I have seen how empty a house sounds after losing their child, and I have seen the nightmares over and over of feeling so helpless when it happens in your own home. It took moving for my heart to stop racing going up the stairs, and selling our house to feel like my children would be okay, and seperating myself from the event to move on. I often wonder if my girls being delayed and not being able to roll over was to keep my sanity, yk?

Also, infants who succumb to SIDS may have an abnormality in the arcuate nucleus, a part of the brain that may help control breathing and awakening during sleep. If a baby is breathing stale air and not getting enough oxygen, the brain usually triggers the baby to wake up and cry. That movement changes the breathing and heart rate, making up for the lack of oxygen. But a problem with the arcuate nucleus could deprive the baby of this involuntary reaction and put him or her at greater risk for SIDS.

This was and obviously still is the single reason that I think J was affected, he was 5 days shy of 6 months old, and he was a male and it was winter, all risk factors, but I still search for reasons. I wonder if the feeling of not accomplishing as much as possible while he was alive will ever go away. Did I do enough to make his life the best it could be? Did I nurture him enough that he would remember? Though he was only 6 months old, these questions come up almost every day for me... It's a pain that I don't think will ever go away.

While infants can be brought into a parent's bed for nursing or comforting, parents should return them to their cribs or bassinets when they're ready to sleep. It's a good idea to keep the cribs and bassinets in the room where parents' sleep. This has been linked with a lower risk of SIDS.

This has been the biggest reason in the state of MN. Of the last 12 cases reported (since J) and the 5 before his death, they were all found on an adult mattress, some with the parent, some without any adult. It's hard for me not to see a link, ya know? Now I know that over half the cases for the US are in the midwest, though it doesn't help my feelings about the event. Some days I just wonder if I will hurt any less right before Thanksgiving... or if M&M's faces the day they recognized the color from her dream the night before it happened being in the room he passed in... will haunt me forever. You're heart just goes out to someone that you can do nothing for but stand back and witness them go through the pain...

They have since lost another son due to a heart defect, 10 months later in fact. They have since had a little girl and she is completely healthy and doing well. They have showed great strength in accepting what God intended for them, it's a faith like no other. I have taken from that strength and tried to move forward as much as I can. It helped me a great deal with Camryn's issues, and most of all my cousins. Losing two cousins under 40 within 4 months of each other is insane. It really makes you wonder if it's true...
"only the good die young"


This event, on this day makes me feel one thing, Absolute Gratitude for what I have! I have four children, mostly healthy, with me every day to make me smile, laugh, cry, mad, and whatever other emotion that can happen. I have four little reminders that I am alive, I am able, and I can make a difference to help others see how lucky they are to have what they have. Having a positive outlook despite what we go through is something I am often asked about. How do you do it? How do you not fall apart? How do you make the most of things? And all I can say is, when you have seen/experienced true loss, everything else is minor and it's not worth sweating the small stuff! Living, all kinds of living is something you gain, so make the most of it and keep moving forward! It's at this time of year, when most figure out why they are thankful that I am reminded of just how lucky I really am to have lived the life I have and be here to talk about it :)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

My OH MY!

Have I mentioned how much I love this man? He's been the greatest find from our second rockboat research! He has songs that are so insightful (for those of you into country, he wrote come on get higher on the Sugarland CD), he is the most entertaining person in the world, and from experience I can tell you he is the most polite gentleman despite lack of sleep, lousy weather, and staying up way too late drinking! If you get the chance to see him, GO, it's worth it (most shows are under $25 with ticketmaster fees!) you will not regret it!

His concert on Tuesday with opener "The Break and Repair Method" was the best show yet, even if I did share it with 997 others (Veronica and Stephanie came with me :) )!!!!! It even made up for another favorite totally dissing me and coming to town two days early with no notification! Zac Brown Band (another 3 year favorite, for those of you just finding out who they are!)


Have no fail, they are too good, and too nice for me to lose faith!

Holiday Cards

It's no secret, I am a planner, organizer, neat freak at times! I can't help it! I am the first born of a cuban catholic family and helped raise my younger siblings. It was bound to happen! So it's not very often that I get the chance to just sit down and do something from scratch without planning. What I have learned is that it can be fun, but has no consistancy. So when I send out holiday cards this year, don't be upset if you don't have the same one, they all had the same amount of love put in them :) I just found ribbon, and went off inspiration. Tell me what you think(in the comments!) if you can! I need the constructive critacism before I start on some more tomorrow night! (FYI, these were from November 19th)

TEACHER GIFTS!!!

So I have been following some of Shanna's (http://scrappysketches.blogspot.com/) altered items and I LOVE THEM! How this mom creates so much stuff with twin toddlers and working full time I have NO IDEA!

I decided to make these for teacher gifts as ornaments can be expensive!

I used DCWV christmas glitter paper, American Crafts stitched ribbon, and Adirondack metalic silver daubbers. All big favorites for me!

Trying out some Coasters (for andrea)

I don't think I am cut out for coaster swaps.... you be the judge (in the comments!)

Camryn is Historically part of the Falkman's!

As most of you can imagine, parents putting pictures in photo albums when you have 4 kids can be a ton of work to keep up on if you're a picture taker like me ;) Let alone trying to scrapbook all of it! I just don't know how I have let so much slip the past few months. I think it was mostly because I still didn't want to believe that Camryn was going to have real breaks in her seizures. Now that I can actually believe that, I have finally, Finally, FINALLY started her scrapbook and she is historically a Falkman.

Not much, but it's something!

My Two Peas in a Pod!

So we all know that Camryn has been through quite a bit this year, it's amazing when we look back at all the ups, downs, and inbetweens! She has had seizures, had breaks, and had real information to help her move on. It's amazing to me to know that we can go through this in one year, and know that we can get to this point again, should 2009 bring us more challenges.
I love the term "any given sunday" for just this reason. Though a football quote, it has so much meaning for those who believe... believe in whatever, ya know? We lived week to week, day to day for some time and we can finally book things a few weeks out in advance. It's a wonderful feeling. Camryn was at the 4 week mark when this picture was taken, now most parents don't want to show their kid completely banged up, but I see this photo as a badge of honor. On this day, Camryn was just a regular kid who fell too hard on the carpet goofing around on the stairs at daycare. No head injury, no black out, no seizure, and most of all, no hospital run! Just a regular kid, doing regular things. It brings hope, because this given sunday, Camryn was just that, Camryn :)



Now my girls are close in age, VERY CLOSE. 14 months to be exact. This was the hardest time in our lives. We were just finding out that Elli was dealing with the same global delays as Mikayla, and that we were going to take on an investment project to build a house. I finally stopped feeling sick from my gallbladder surgery and the liver set backs when I found out I was pregnant. So many people told me that after the first few years it would be the best thing ever and I would never look back to the time I was changing 2 diapers at a time 10 times a day, and feeding two kids who were almost at the same stage throwing food back at me, and that having two girls who couldn't walk gave me great bi-ceps. Instead I would remember the smiles, the giggles, and the laughs of two little angels who love nothing more than to spend almost every waking moment together. Ever since Camryn's last hospital stay in September, this is all I can think about. How much they missed each other, how they couldn't sleep well without each other, and how much they giggled with delight to see each other. I love taking pictures, mostly any pictures of my children, just because it gives me more than 1000 words, it gives me more than 1000 smiles, it gives me something that no one else can, complete appreciation for God working in his own mysterious ways :)