A day in the life of a Mom with sick kids...

Hello again...

Well here is another morning where we are starving at least one child for a procedure.  It never gets any easier.  The fact that the appointment isn't until 9:30 and 10:30 makes it that much worse.  Camryn does nothing but eat all morning long and I know she will be crying by 8 am when we get there.

Camryn needs tonsils and adenoids removed and possibly a new set of tubes.  Davin on the other hand needs his adenoids removed but possibly a sinus irrigation.  We think that is why he continually gets sinus infections.  He never truely gets rid of the infection in the upper sinuses behind your forehead.  I guess we'll find out!

Now these may seem like extensive, but considering it's not the first ENT surgery for either, it's no big deal to us.  We just want our kids to be well and reduce the risk of Camryn's sedation issues.  I am hoping that we will find resolution and peace after their recovery.  

Well I have also made the decision that I will not be going on the scrapbooking cruise.  As much as it saddens me that I will not see Andrea and Maryse, I really need to think of my family.  a 5 day and then a 3 day cruise in 2.5 weeks is just too much on my family.  However, I am looking into a CA retreat for scrapbooking.  As long as the timing is right, or decided for that matter :)

Dan's sister's wedding is in August, it is in Vegas with a reception here.  the kids are excited!  It's so hard to have to tell her that I can't commit that far in advance.  Being a mom of sick kids is one thing, but a mom of sick kids with special needs puts me in this limbo category that is just so frustrating!  There are so many things in life that should just be a given, like being at a SILs wedding, and it's just not.  How do you make life happen when seizure disorders have you on hold, yk?

Well we are going to be leaving shortly so I intend to update later today if you'd like to check back!

Am I really a boat person?

Hi All...
So I belong to this incredible mommy group. We have been together since July of 2003 or so. There are 22 members that regularly talk almost everyday from the board we created. We know so much about eachother and it's great. We feel safe sharing (so rare these days) and it's something I hope never completely ends. Though most of these friendships are virtual, some of us have met across the country by chance. Across the continent in some cases as well. It's something truely amazing.
Now you all know that I love music. It's definately part of my soul. Hence the reason I went on www.therockboat.com and came back again for a second year. It's really a representation of who I am and I get the chance to be with others who submerse themselves in music all year long. Again, another connection in my life I adore. Even though motion sickness is a standard for me in the begining, I still go.
Now these two worlds have never collided. Nor did I ever think they would. Until Friday night when Andrea called me. A scrapbooking cruise! OMG?!!?!?!?!? Could it be?!?!?!?!? So I start thinking about it, and how wonderful would it be to have 3 days to put books, and books, and books together! Learn new techniques, learn about new supplies that make scrapbooking even easier, and to meet people from all over the country that share my passion to preserve our family memories..... It sounds like a dream.
Now for the conflict. I really have committed to going on next years rock boat to some degree. I really want to go. I just don't think I can do 5 days away from Camryn (you book about 11 months in advance for these) without knowing what her medical situation will be at that point. It's 5 days of not being in communication with anyone else. That's too much for me to commit to right now. However, 3 days, not so bad. Technically it's only 2 full days that I couldn't talk to someone. I could still be reached on the 6th and the 9th. Dan said go for it, but I know his motive is because he wants to go hunting in MT this year. He might actually get drawn. However, with his sister getting married in August in Las Vegas, how can we do all of these trips? I just think the kids will suffer and I don't think they should. AHHH the conflict!
I will be pondering this day and night until a week before the deadline I am sure! YIKES!

Another Week, Here We Go!

Another Day, Another Dollar...Just another manic Monday...Here we go again....

Why is it that most phrases about work are negative? I love going to work. I love what I do, I love what company I work for, and I love the team I work with. I don't feel depressed about Mondays. Sure, like any mom, I miss my kids deeply. I do have days where I just want to leave, pick them up, and do some activity that I used to do with them when I was a SAHM. I can still do some of that. I can still go to work, feel like I am a part of something great, and be the mom I think they need. So why does my husband have to be such a grouch about it?
This morning it was "why aren't you in the shower yet" and "I am going to be so swamped today" and "well if I had this kind of help when I was gone then I wouldn't be so overwhelmed" and I was just shocked. Has he just lost sight of what he is a part of? Has he decided to give up on caring about the purpose of a career? How can I help him realize what he is taking for granted?
Maybe it's all those years of being at home with the kids, though purposed, not doing something that was all about me? Was it the days of bordem and the cold days of being locked up in the house that tought me how wonderful it feels to be valued by the company you work for? Am I wrong for feeling that he should stop complaining and be a little more greatful that he has a job unlike so many americans? That his able body can work and he should be thankful? How can I tell him to stop whining but not in those words? I feel like I should send him to church!

A Ponder about preservation

What is it about our generation that is so into preserving? It seems that we love to preserve, fight to preserve, and protect the right to preserve. I see so many people in my generation that try to make a decision based on how it will protect the planet, or buying an older home and restoring it to it's original condition (often recycling here too), or looking at ways to protect the rights that we already have in place to preserve what is out there. Are we extra connected to our grandparents and we just don't know it? There are some times that the battle cry of a mission sounds so reminicent of the 60's and it almost makes me laugh. I love that era, I love the drive to fight for what is right, and it almost brings out this joy of the crusade in me. I just can't figure out why.
These thoughts have come to my mind because of the recent enlightenment of my grandmother's condition. She's 82, and I know that is older, but I wonder. How is it that when Camryn was born, she was sharp as a tack, walking 3 miles a day, and the life of the party. Now she sits in her apartment most of the day, watches TV, and forgets her day to day tasks. It saddens me, how she can forget her medication, where her personal items are (meds, keys, etc.), but her brain has somehow preserved the lyrics from her favorite childhood songs? I too remember singing brown bear, twinkle twinkle, and where is thumper, but it's not a place I go to if I am not with my children. With this behavior becoming more apparent in the last 6 months, it's time to take action. All of the typical thoughts have come up. Home health nurse to check in on her, getting the bloodwork and CTs to see if somethings really going on, and of course, assisted living. How can we get her what she needs and preserve who she is as a person? Is assisted living something that just goes against everythign I want to fight for, but a necessity because her safety should rule all selfish decisions? It's odd how at 23 I lost my grandfather and understood what I was doing and the decisions he made, he was coherent enough to do so. What I don't understand is how at 29 I feel like a kid who isn't mature enough to understand what is best for her. I want to preserve her life, her will, and her purpose, but I don't know how putting her in assisted living can do that.
I suppose most of this doesn't help when I have a cousin who is about to turn 29 and suffers from AML and has had a fever for over 100 days. He has been going to HCMC for his medical care, which is great, but my family started to wonder this time, is he getting all the treatment he can? Can we do more? So he went to MAYO. The best in the world. They said, his treatment is dead on. Now from the begining of his illness road, he has only wanted to preserve who he is and not change. Sure, there are some things, weight loss, time in the hospital, and living with a port that you can't get rid of and those things are changes of who you really are. However, Mike is still Mike. He lives, laughs, and loves like he always have. Whole-heartedly. We love him and admire him deeply for that. It's amazing to me how anyone can endure so many physical battles and still preserve who they really are. He takes trips, takes risks, and remembers to tell those close to him "I love you" and hug them tightly.
So why can I not understand the difference and help make those decisions for my grandmother that need to be made for her? Why can't I understand the balance of what you need and what you NEED. I guess it's because it's not her spirit driving it? How can you make the decision to preserve for someone else?

A little help please....

Good Morning all....
I guess I just can't get past this any more. I have been upset with my mom for quite some time and I thought I knew why, but I guess it goes way deeper and it's been going on much longer than either one of us realized.
I am resentful, I will give her that. Most of the resentment is my fault. My mello attemps at trying to tell her that watching my brother and semi raising him was not my job just didn't work. I should have been louder, I should have spoke up more. I guess my dysfunctional childhood gave me some obsticles in accomplishing it. So instead of working through it in a normal way (family was still quite dysfunctional at this point) I just moved out. I took care of myself. I worked, paid rent, bills, and bought all the things a junior and senior would need. My mom acted like she cared by talking to me in her mello way, but I never saw action. I never saw her stop her life to fix what had been so broken between us and I just never brought it to the front lines to battle it out. I never fought for myself the way I really needed to in my opinion. This is odd, don't you think? Usually you can't get a teenager to stop fighting.
However, years later, it turns out I am still bothered by it. Every family photo that I am not included in, every visit to our house that is in route to my brother or on the way back, and every time that I tell her what is going on, she tells me to get more sleep, get some stress relief, do something for yourself.
How do you tell your mom that you resent her for her life choices that impaired the way you grew up? How do you tell her that guilt is something you live with every day because you feel that your life should be different for not speaking up? How do you tell her that no matter what she does, you may never feel like you're a part of that family that she is a part of? These are the questions that I have lived with for much longer than I thought I would back then, and for much longer than I thought I had been.
I feel broken again. I haven't felt this way in years. It's almost like I am 16 again. Looking for a way to grow up and out and not leave anyone behind. But like then, I know that someone or something will get left behind. I am not sure what that is yet. It's like any phase in your life, with each new door, one must close. I am afraid of what that door is. Anyone would be, right?
So the real question is where am I really? Where do I want to go? What from my past do I need to deal with the most to make those first steps forward? I am not sure that I know the answer to any of this, but I know I am asking the right questions.
How do you fix a relationship that you're not sure was the relationship either of you thought you had? Does it make me a fake?

Any words of wisdom from those with tattered relationships with mom would really be helpful.

I will take an order of 8 hours sleep, please!

Hello all,
It has been a while, but it was a shock none the less. I have struggled with keeping my house clean and my laundry under control since right after Christmas. Call it seasonal depression, call it the holiday come down, or call it pure laziness. I am not sure. It was my first year end as an accountant and it was busy. Busier than I thought it would be. It would have been less of a shock if I was told in detail about everything expected at that time of year from me, but I survived it none the less.
However, this week I have really had a handle on things. The dishwasher unloaded before going to bed, the laundry done and put away during week nights, and the kids stuff ready for school. So last night I decieded to reward myself with catching up on the DVR. At 10:30 Elli said, "My shirt is wet" with my puzzed look I said "wet from what?" Elli said, "water" and I asked, "from where?" She then says, "the sink". Now, knowing our floor plan, she had to have this mysterious water transported IN something. But what? I curriously went up the stairs, turned on the light and found vomit on her bed. YUK. So I proceeded to clean her up, bring the sheets down and start them in the empty washer on the sanitize cycle. (Did I mention I love my washer?????) and I redressed my kid, snuggled under a blanket on the chair in hopes that she would fall asleep. Nope, 15 minutes later she is puking again. Mucus, yuk! So we repeat the cycle. This time I remember the zofran I have in the medicine cabinet and grab one for her. We go an hour without puking. I think we're successful. So off to my bed (on a towel) we go. Nope. Two more times I start to wonder what is really going on? I wash another load by this point to keep my momentum going. We then go to sleep on another towel in hopes that this is the end.
About 1 hour later, Camryn comes in our room crying (we think nightmare) saying that her tummy hurts as well. So in a fog, Dan says, come lay by me (big mistake as he soon finds out). She then pukes on Dan, on the bed, on the floor, and the bowl only grabs the last little bit. So off to the showers we go. Cleaning up another mess with more laundry waiting it's turn in the spa. We then move to the living room where we have a click/clack couch that we can lay towels, bowls and ourselves comfortably to try yet again to get rest. After 3 more hours of the same behavior, Dan and I are exausted as it's now 3:30 and we still have yet to sleep. We then are on the last set of towels wondering what we will do if they strike again. Thank Heavens we were save until 7 am. Then we get up, start making calls about who will or won't be where today and making appts for the girls to get checked out. And as we were getting ready to take Mik and Dav to school, Camryn pukes again. Ok, so it's not totally over. Well it's a good thing we are going to the right place.

So in a nutshell, she has a sinus infection again that we are hoping surgery will stop the horrible cycle for the sweetie pie, bronchitis that hasn't healed from the last antibiotic, and a steroid to cure the asthma that we obviously don't have under control. I meet Dan, give him Camryn and prescription and head to work on little sleep but feeling confident that we are done with puking.

Work is crazy, keeping me awake (with the help of Mt. Dew) and I get the call. It's Dan, 4pm, Camryn has puked again. I am beginging to think that she might be reacting to the antibiotic. We'll see. With Mikayla's conferences tonight I just can't believe that I will be awake enough to process what they will tell me, but I will try. By god, I will try.

I will post updates later, that is, if I can't sleep :)