Numbness?

So this has been a busy time in my life. My daughter is having more zone outs again but still seizure free for 8 days now. My cousin, need I say more. My 30th birthday. My life in general (being an accountant quarter ends are always tough) and it's just nuts to think of what I have to do in a day to make sure I am not swollowed whole.

In all of this craziness, I am reminded of how well I am dealing with all of this. I fell apart with my grandfather's death. I lost my father that day. I was distracted, didn't want to wake up, couldn't take care of my kids, I even shifted Davin to formula at this time. I remember my heart racing quite a bit. I remember feeling so overcome with emotion and trying to explain to others that I just wanted to be sad and no one could take that from me. I remember it being the most difficult time in my life.

Now here I am again, losing a very important male in my life. And I have only cried 3 times, all very brief. I am pretty sure I feel numb. I don't want to do much, I was at my own birthday party finding myself ready for a nap. I wonder if this is how I am coping. I wonder if I am just not as sensitive this time because I knew this would happen, or am I cold? Have I grown cold to the emotions of death and loss? Do I fear spinning out of control like I did before? What the cause is I am not sure.

I am pretty sure that my aunt thinks I am being insensitive. I am pretty sure that she thinks she is right where I am when it comes to Camryn (based off her comentary) and I know she has suffered a great loss. I don't however feel we are in the same place. She talks about worrying about her sick child, I can see that. She however almost never had to take care of him when he was sick, his wife did that, his father did that, he did that. Why? He didn't want her there. My child cries for me. My child cannot help herself.
There are some similarities though, I recognize the fear, I recognize the pain, but I also recognize that I refuse to cry in front of my child. I refuse to let her think that I won't be here 110%. I refuse to believe we are the same. I refuse to beleive that when/if our time comes that I woudn't honor my child's wishes.

Is this something of the generation before us? Have they always felt so self-centered in such important life issues? IS this HOW we have become the pioneers we are? Are we so afraid of not being sure that we push back? It's like the kid who's mom makes them double check their work in on anything (chores, locks, homework) that they second guess what they are doing going forward to make sure they don't disappoint others? It's a round about form of people pleasing, is it not? I guess I feel that maybe I am trying to please Mike, but in this, I have found feelings of questioning my aunt. How could she not want to make the last thing she does for her son a wonderful thing that was exactly what he wanted?

I feel a fued coming on and it all starts with my aunt, but it probably ends with her ex and her daughter. It should be interesting!



In other news, I am 30. 30. 30.30.30.

The famous question of the day yesterday? "So do you feel 30?"

Answer? "I have actually felt 30 for a long time, father time is just catching up"
*giggle*