A loss that inspires growth...

Today was just a whirlwind.
Crazy busy, with a list a mile long. I went from spinning around my world to standing still and the world spinning around me.
You know like in the movies where the girl is standing and people are running around her? That's what I felt like today. You would have never known it from the way the day started.

I woke up before the alarm clock, not completely unusual for me, but since I sent to bed at 10 last night it was a little off. I got up, showered, got ready for work. Camryn was up, so I hung out with her a little, had breakfast together, and just made sure I thought she was okay to leave for the day. When I dropped her off at Stacie's she was fine. Running, jumping, playing. So off to work I went. When I got there I didn't bring my laptop in and I thought it was me being forgetful, but then I remembered we had an all employee meeting, so I asked when it started and when they said 5 minutes I figured I would get it after. Then when I arrived at the meeting, I didn't even realize that the new hire introductions were starting until they called my boss's name. Then it hit me. I was so excited! I have waited a year for my introduction and it was everything I wanted it to be. Funny, light, and inspiring (daughter whose live was saved with our product). Then as I was standing there I see my mother's number show up on the screen. I figure, this is more important, I can call her back. Then as I sit down, I see it flashing again and I hit ignore again. Then another one and I am thinking, what could it be??? I honestly thought she was checking on Camryn and the ignore button was actually skipping voicemail or something. By the 4th call (usuallly I am quicker than this, I swear!) I thought, something is wrong, she' needs to talk to me. So I pick it up and walk out. The words are still ringing in my ears, "Mike died." Followed by tears. I was so stunned, I knew she wasn't playing a prank, but they said he was stable as of last night. pneumonia, but stable.

She said she was on her way down and I told her I was leaving and would call her. When I got to the truck I called her, we decided on a meeting place. When I got there, the phone rings, it's Stacie. That can't be good. Sure enough, Camryn was zoning, unresponsive for 2.5 minutes. As mom and I are driving downtown we ran into every roadblock of closed entrance to every interstate. (Did I mention that I hate construction season???) So she was unresponsive, then she went unconscious. So she gave her Diastat, and after 5 minutes she didn't react, so they called the paramedics. Now in all of this, truck is at the shop getting brakes done and Dan has no vehicle so he walked over with kids. Then she wakes up, the clinic says to just watch her at home and bring her in if she has another one.

So we get down to the hospital finally and walk upstairs. I saw my aunt (and her co-workers) in the hall. She was calmer than I thought she would be. I really expected to find her a mess. What mom wouldn't think that another mom losing her child wouldn't be a complete mess???????? So I ask her where Janet is (his wife) and she tells me in the lounge. I walk in, no Janet, but everyone else. Including my uncle (they split when we were kids) and I have not seen him in a while and he was wearing the I'm a wreck but I don't want to show it look. My heart went out to him. I could feel his pain. I could feel the hole in his heart, it was awful. I have loved my uncle, always, despite how they split, he was a man who did well for his family, and he is still with the only woman he cheated with, not to condone, but I really feel he left to find his soul mate. It's like he understood the bond with Mike and Janet. They were soul mates. I truely believe that Mike fought as hard as he did because he didn't want to leave her. A "lit" soul like his.

She didn't want to be touched. She didn't want to talk anything but getting out of there. Now to most this might be off-putting, but I understood. How can you process losing the love of your life so suddenly? Right in the middle of making a life together? It seems so unfair. So unjust.

So she didn't suggest we see him. She thought it would be too hard. I can't not go see them. It's part of my closure. It helps me visualize them and that they are in a better place. Something our medical professionals couldn't provide for them. So my mom and I went in. He was swollen, typical of the treatment. His eye was more swollen than normal. We didn't know at first, but we found out later.

Mike had AML, now this makes it EXTREMELY hard to fight off common infections. So when they said the leukemia was back and that he was going in for another transplant (his third) we thought he would beat it. Well when they said he was on a ventilator I was shocked. Then he was going into surgery to suction out an infection. Now this is all we were told. No one said it was a fungal infection and that he was fighting fungal pneumonia. This would have red flagged me. I think this lack of information was the biggest reason I felt blind sided. None the less, when his BP dropped last night they still thought they would get it under control. My uncle said when they intubated him that he said, "I wanna fight, I want to fight, Dad!!" So he was still on with the program. It almost seems like he didn't see this coming either.

So as we were leaving, I decided to stay with my uncle and his family and see if I could offer help as Janet didn't need a bigger group of followers. She just wanted time to herself. He started to cry, you could see how cheated he felt. I tried to remind him that Mike would be pissed at us for mourning his death, that he wanted his life celebrated and that we needed to do something positive to remember him and help others. He reminded me that I was right, so I feel good that we will do something to continue the fight.

We then left to tell my grandmother. When we arrived, my aunt was already there and told her herself. They seemed to deal with it pretty well, so I just kind of let them say what they needed to. We then made plans to get together tomorrow and my mom and I went to eat. We hadn't eaten in over 8 hours, and it was time. As I drove home I had thoughts reeling through my head of all the crazy things Mike did . Growing up he was that kid who seemed to have it all figured out, and you just had to watch. Now I know why.

In death, comes growth in myself and my love for him. Mike's life taught me many lessons and it taught me more of who I want to be. I appreciate what his life taught me as I go through Camryn's battle. I remember that we just need to keep moving forward and fight. Fight no matter what for what we believe in. And that helping others, above all is important. It's when people don't help each other that the world peace journey dies a little. It's when we lose our connection with others and ourselves.

In his death, my faith has grown. I saw what his purpose in life was. To change the world, one soul at a time. To pass on that faith in God and in people. To make sure that he left the world happier than when he arrived. He achieved his goal. He made you smile every time he entered the room and it's that smile that I will remember.




Mike, I miss you, and I love you dearly, I will celebrate your life and keep your light burning.
Peace be with you.