Beautiful Sky, Bad weather has come and gone

As the storm clouds rolled in last night, it reminded me of the crappy weather we have and how it changes so quickly around here.



I do love how beautiful it looks on it's way out though!!!



Last night's storms brought wall clouds, hail, sheets of rain, and trips to the basement with no connection to the outside world. To be honest, I can't wait until we don't live in this bubble of it all.

Fourth of July Summer Fun!

So the 4th was a gorgeous weekend! We had the house clean, the yard done, and still had a whole day left to just hang out as a family! It was wonderful! We took a look at the neighbor's project and it looks beautiful. Matt and Jodi wanted to take the grass out of this circular area so nothing would hold us back on WHAT we decide to burn. So this cozy area is now our new bonfire playland!



We tried to give the dogs a bath, but it looks like Davin ended up wearing most of it!!!


Maisy is still not a fan!




Harley came to me for relief! She just has this look of, "SAVE ME MOM!!!"


Dan felt bad that she didn't want to get near him, so he gave her some love to make up for it!


Davin was sick of Dan dunking him, so I bet Dan a subway sandwich that he wouldn't belly flop in the pool. As you can see, I won!


All in all a great weekend!

As time passes....

The days get easier. I have less and less thoughts of Mike not being with us anymore. I know they say time heals, but I have always used a different choice of words. Time lessens.
Time lessens the pain...
My pain of losing such a wonderful person in my life is getting smaller. I can rationalize what has happened and that I shouldn't be sad for someone that is no longer suffering here on earth.

Time lessens the vividness of memories...
As time goes by after arguments, horrible things happening in our life, and just plain old negativity, I can't "see the events" as I used to. The way Mike looked that day (after he passed) is fading. Probably a good thing since it wasn't Mike at his best.

Time lessens our needs...
As time goes by and we strive for something, the need of something decreases... The need to be close to his things, the need to be together in rememberance, and the need to submerse myself in our memories.

Yesterday was the first day since Mike's passing that I just did family things. We slept in, made pancake breakfast, and played outside in the pool. We bathed the dogs, and made sure our lawn stuff was done. It was a beautiful day out, high 70's with almost no clouds, neighbors outside doing yard work, and no more fireworks. It was so peaceful. I took over 50 pictures of the kids playing in the water, Dan dunking Davin, and almost had Dan's belly flop into the pool, but I would have ruinded the camera as he was diving towards me! (note to self, another benefit to getting a camera with zoom lenses!)
This time was so wonderful, so needed, so inspiring. Watching my children play, enjoy the time with us, and even having timeouts fullfilled quietly was wonderful! I think the kids were just happy to do something fun with Mommy home. These 3 day weekends make it so nice as we can just take one day for cleaning and getting stuff done and the other to do something fun as a family. It's our seventh day for rest. I miss this terribly. So today, with all the recent events showing me the light, I am putting in my notice at my second job. I do a auditing job for the employees at
General Mills (making sure they leave with the right count of purchased items) and I hardly ever have anything to do, so I make cards and scrapbook on these days. Yesterday I realized that this time could be used for a much better purpose! Making memories!

So as time has passed, I see that I no longer have as strong of a need to make money but to make more memories as the vividness of old ones fade, and to create more joy in my life and lessen the pain of the losses I have faced. It's this lesson that I want to focus on as Camryn goes for her sleep study.

My priorites are back on track :)

Numbness?

So this has been a busy time in my life. My daughter is having more zone outs again but still seizure free for 8 days now. My cousin, need I say more. My 30th birthday. My life in general (being an accountant quarter ends are always tough) and it's just nuts to think of what I have to do in a day to make sure I am not swollowed whole.

In all of this craziness, I am reminded of how well I am dealing with all of this. I fell apart with my grandfather's death. I lost my father that day. I was distracted, didn't want to wake up, couldn't take care of my kids, I even shifted Davin to formula at this time. I remember my heart racing quite a bit. I remember feeling so overcome with emotion and trying to explain to others that I just wanted to be sad and no one could take that from me. I remember it being the most difficult time in my life.

Now here I am again, losing a very important male in my life. And I have only cried 3 times, all very brief. I am pretty sure I feel numb. I don't want to do much, I was at my own birthday party finding myself ready for a nap. I wonder if this is how I am coping. I wonder if I am just not as sensitive this time because I knew this would happen, or am I cold? Have I grown cold to the emotions of death and loss? Do I fear spinning out of control like I did before? What the cause is I am not sure.

I am pretty sure that my aunt thinks I am being insensitive. I am pretty sure that she thinks she is right where I am when it comes to Camryn (based off her comentary) and I know she has suffered a great loss. I don't however feel we are in the same place. She talks about worrying about her sick child, I can see that. She however almost never had to take care of him when he was sick, his wife did that, his father did that, he did that. Why? He didn't want her there. My child cries for me. My child cannot help herself.
There are some similarities though, I recognize the fear, I recognize the pain, but I also recognize that I refuse to cry in front of my child. I refuse to let her think that I won't be here 110%. I refuse to believe we are the same. I refuse to beleive that when/if our time comes that I woudn't honor my child's wishes.

Is this something of the generation before us? Have they always felt so self-centered in such important life issues? IS this HOW we have become the pioneers we are? Are we so afraid of not being sure that we push back? It's like the kid who's mom makes them double check their work in on anything (chores, locks, homework) that they second guess what they are doing going forward to make sure they don't disappoint others? It's a round about form of people pleasing, is it not? I guess I feel that maybe I am trying to please Mike, but in this, I have found feelings of questioning my aunt. How could she not want to make the last thing she does for her son a wonderful thing that was exactly what he wanted?

I feel a fued coming on and it all starts with my aunt, but it probably ends with her ex and her daughter. It should be interesting!



In other news, I am 30. 30. 30.30.30.

The famous question of the day yesterday? "So do you feel 30?"

Answer? "I have actually felt 30 for a long time, father time is just catching up"
*giggle*

Another day has passed...

I know that they say time heals the heart. Helps it to move on. Myabe I am strange. It wouldn't be new.
Mike was a postive person who wanted us to move on in doing something positive. He wanted us to be strong. Now most of us are shocked still, some are crying about everything. I am not there. We knew this was coming, in the sense that AML was difficult to fight. We knew that Mike had a time limit. It was the peace that he made with it that kept me strong through this. Mike knew his time on earth was limited, most angels do. And as I rushed to meet my mother to drive up to the hospital, so many things rushed through my head. Thoughts of memories, asking why, and wondering if his mother would be in danger if we left her alone. Then, as I sat waiting for my mother, this calm feeling washed over me. I could almost feel Mike rubbing my shoulders like he did when he could tell I was stressed. The tears stopped, my heart slowed down. It's like I could feel him there trying to make me open up to hearing his message. My mother calls it an out of body experience, but I see it as an attempt to connect instead. I think that Mike wants me to move forward with this with a purpose. I think he wants me to be the rock for everyone else and remind them of his words when he was on this journey. Mike wanted to fight this disease, but I know that God would not let him suffer any more if he didn't think he would still be here with us. I really feel that I have found what direction I am supposed to go in my life. (I have been secretly waiting for this, and now it's here) I am supposed to take the lessons that Mike has taught me about compassion, consideration, and helping others and move forward with it. To help others with what they can't do for themselves. To help them find peace in times of stress. I finally get it. I really believe that is why I feel so calm in all of this.
In the wise words of my friend Jovi, (and I am paraphrasing) it's often when we forget to help others and choose not to stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves that we lose a piece of humility in this world.
Next mission? Figure out how to move forward with AML, ACS, LAF, and how I want to help find the answer to this horrible disease that takes away the people we love.

My favorite words right now???
I heard the news today, it came out of no where, wish I could run away, but where would I go, is this my destiny? something to wonder, what will become of me, god only knows.
And they say the road to heaven, it might lead us back though hell.

maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, we'll win this fight and bury this sorrow.
We're so alive, still holding on, not ready to die, so we LIVE STRONG!

My pride is left for dead as my world gets shaken, the thoughts inside my head are so hard to control. Stearing down the unknown, one thing for certain, it may break my body, but NEVER break my soul.
And they say the road to heaven, it might lead us back though hell. So were holding on for more than stories to tell.
maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, we'll win this fight and bury this sorrow.
We're so alive, still holding on, not ready to die, so we LIVE STRONG!

We LIVE STRONG, We LIVE STRONG, We LIVE STRONG.

we will live strong
we will live strong
we will live strong

maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, we'll win this fight and bury this sorrow.
We're so alive, still holding on, not ready to die, not ready to die!!!!

maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, we'll win this fight and bury this sorrow.
We're so alive, still holding on, not ready to die, so we LIVE STRONG!

This band has been my favorite for almost 3 years. Since Feb of 2006. They were going to be on the first boat I went on. Little did I know the significance they would have in my life. I am proud to say they will be on the boat in 2009 and I will be bringing a photo of Mike for them to sign. I can't believe how the circle has come around for me.

Thanks Mike!

A quote about Mike

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay for a while leaving footprints on our hearts, and we are forever changed."

A loss that inspires growth...

Today was just a whirlwind.
Crazy busy, with a list a mile long. I went from spinning around my world to standing still and the world spinning around me.
You know like in the movies where the girl is standing and people are running around her? That's what I felt like today. You would have never known it from the way the day started.

I woke up before the alarm clock, not completely unusual for me, but since I sent to bed at 10 last night it was a little off. I got up, showered, got ready for work. Camryn was up, so I hung out with her a little, had breakfast together, and just made sure I thought she was okay to leave for the day. When I dropped her off at Stacie's she was fine. Running, jumping, playing. So off to work I went. When I got there I didn't bring my laptop in and I thought it was me being forgetful, but then I remembered we had an all employee meeting, so I asked when it started and when they said 5 minutes I figured I would get it after. Then when I arrived at the meeting, I didn't even realize that the new hire introductions were starting until they called my boss's name. Then it hit me. I was so excited! I have waited a year for my introduction and it was everything I wanted it to be. Funny, light, and inspiring (daughter whose live was saved with our product). Then as I was standing there I see my mother's number show up on the screen. I figure, this is more important, I can call her back. Then as I sit down, I see it flashing again and I hit ignore again. Then another one and I am thinking, what could it be??? I honestly thought she was checking on Camryn and the ignore button was actually skipping voicemail or something. By the 4th call (usuallly I am quicker than this, I swear!) I thought, something is wrong, she' needs to talk to me. So I pick it up and walk out. The words are still ringing in my ears, "Mike died." Followed by tears. I was so stunned, I knew she wasn't playing a prank, but they said he was stable as of last night. pneumonia, but stable.

She said she was on her way down and I told her I was leaving and would call her. When I got to the truck I called her, we decided on a meeting place. When I got there, the phone rings, it's Stacie. That can't be good. Sure enough, Camryn was zoning, unresponsive for 2.5 minutes. As mom and I are driving downtown we ran into every roadblock of closed entrance to every interstate. (Did I mention that I hate construction season???) So she was unresponsive, then she went unconscious. So she gave her Diastat, and after 5 minutes she didn't react, so they called the paramedics. Now in all of this, truck is at the shop getting brakes done and Dan has no vehicle so he walked over with kids. Then she wakes up, the clinic says to just watch her at home and bring her in if she has another one.

So we get down to the hospital finally and walk upstairs. I saw my aunt (and her co-workers) in the hall. She was calmer than I thought she would be. I really expected to find her a mess. What mom wouldn't think that another mom losing her child wouldn't be a complete mess???????? So I ask her where Janet is (his wife) and she tells me in the lounge. I walk in, no Janet, but everyone else. Including my uncle (they split when we were kids) and I have not seen him in a while and he was wearing the I'm a wreck but I don't want to show it look. My heart went out to him. I could feel his pain. I could feel the hole in his heart, it was awful. I have loved my uncle, always, despite how they split, he was a man who did well for his family, and he is still with the only woman he cheated with, not to condone, but I really feel he left to find his soul mate. It's like he understood the bond with Mike and Janet. They were soul mates. I truely believe that Mike fought as hard as he did because he didn't want to leave her. A "lit" soul like his.

She didn't want to be touched. She didn't want to talk anything but getting out of there. Now to most this might be off-putting, but I understood. How can you process losing the love of your life so suddenly? Right in the middle of making a life together? It seems so unfair. So unjust.

So she didn't suggest we see him. She thought it would be too hard. I can't not go see them. It's part of my closure. It helps me visualize them and that they are in a better place. Something our medical professionals couldn't provide for them. So my mom and I went in. He was swollen, typical of the treatment. His eye was more swollen than normal. We didn't know at first, but we found out later.

Mike had AML, now this makes it EXTREMELY hard to fight off common infections. So when they said the leukemia was back and that he was going in for another transplant (his third) we thought he would beat it. Well when they said he was on a ventilator I was shocked. Then he was going into surgery to suction out an infection. Now this is all we were told. No one said it was a fungal infection and that he was fighting fungal pneumonia. This would have red flagged me. I think this lack of information was the biggest reason I felt blind sided. None the less, when his BP dropped last night they still thought they would get it under control. My uncle said when they intubated him that he said, "I wanna fight, I want to fight, Dad!!" So he was still on with the program. It almost seems like he didn't see this coming either.

So as we were leaving, I decided to stay with my uncle and his family and see if I could offer help as Janet didn't need a bigger group of followers. She just wanted time to herself. He started to cry, you could see how cheated he felt. I tried to remind him that Mike would be pissed at us for mourning his death, that he wanted his life celebrated and that we needed to do something positive to remember him and help others. He reminded me that I was right, so I feel good that we will do something to continue the fight.

We then left to tell my grandmother. When we arrived, my aunt was already there and told her herself. They seemed to deal with it pretty well, so I just kind of let them say what they needed to. We then made plans to get together tomorrow and my mom and I went to eat. We hadn't eaten in over 8 hours, and it was time. As I drove home I had thoughts reeling through my head of all the crazy things Mike did . Growing up he was that kid who seemed to have it all figured out, and you just had to watch. Now I know why.

In death, comes growth in myself and my love for him. Mike's life taught me many lessons and it taught me more of who I want to be. I appreciate what his life taught me as I go through Camryn's battle. I remember that we just need to keep moving forward and fight. Fight no matter what for what we believe in. And that helping others, above all is important. It's when people don't help each other that the world peace journey dies a little. It's when we lose our connection with others and ourselves.

In his death, my faith has grown. I saw what his purpose in life was. To change the world, one soul at a time. To pass on that faith in God and in people. To make sure that he left the world happier than when he arrived. He achieved his goal. He made you smile every time he entered the room and it's that smile that I will remember.




Mike, I miss you, and I love you dearly, I will celebrate your life and keep your light burning.
Peace be with you.

Not to be insensitive, but I could have handled this on MY own! Sheesh!

Well we finally get her to stop having seizures and having really good days, and then...

She trips on a toy hits the corner of the door on the way down and ends up with liquid stitches. On the night of my birthday dinner with friends. So I get to Chili's, slam 2 margaritas thinking in 3 hours they will wear off and I will be driving safe, and then my phone rings. Dan says "Her forehead is split wide open, she's bleeding like crazy and you need to come home now!" Now if he wasn't screaming, I might have been more receptive. However, Dan tends to over react to any injury, so I asked him to take a picture with his phone and email me a picture of it. Of course he's pissed and hangs up on me before I can tell him I just had over 40 ounces of blended drinks. I mean, that's why we bought the phones, so we could do stuff like that. Also, I am not that cold, BUT here is the situation. His truck is getting the brakes fixed today and he has no company vehicle because his stupid ass waited so long to bring it in, which only happened because I called to fit it in there. Also, I am 30 miles away and our neighbor behind him would be more than willing to bring him in and Stacie who is across the street would also do the same. So I tell him to call them when he calls me back saying he sent the email.

Long story short, neighbor's husband took the two older and watched spongebob while she drove dan in with the younger two. I met them at the hospital, 2 miles away. She went to UC and had liquid stitches and we were done before the girls left the bar. So I missed out on my birthday dinner, my husband thinks I was being cold because I didn't want a DUI (I mean seriously, look at my luck lately), and my child has finally joined the other kids with an injury requiring stitches.

All in all, not a bad night, but really, all this drama over Dermabond?

He's such a woman!

Is some cosmic setting off?????

So my cousin is sick. He's had AML for almost 5 years now. He's done so well with it. Well the Leukemia came back and he needed his third transplant in about 15 months. He had the transplant last Friday. Now normally he gets a fever, it starts to break and he goes home to heal. Well today he developed a sinus infection that was so bad he needs to have surgery to remove it. This is the worst possible time as his immune system is so low right now. They have intubated him and I plan to go down there tonight to see him.
Please think good thought of him and for him. We want him to win this fight, even though the odds are stacked against him. Never a more deserving soul to stay with us.

My grandmother was really sick (my dad's mom in FL). She was apparently so sick that when her heart stopped they had to bring her back from the dead. I don't know all of the details, but she is too fragile to know about Camryn or Mike right now. I will post more as I know.

I just don't know how much I can handle. Here's the run down.

Camryn-Seizures/sleep disorder
my cousin-AML, transplant complications
Dan's mom-Congenial Heart Diseases fluid in lungs from it, home on bed rest.
Dan's grandmother with the stroke is now having seizures they can't stop and is losing milestones.
My grandmother was revived from the dead due to what I have not found out yet.
My mother's blood scare still hangs in the balance until the end of July.
Dan's uncle had 7 mini stokes over the last year and now has permanent memory loss.


Now is it just me or do bad things just keep happening? Is someone trying to tell me something? What cosmic setting has been knocked off it's course? I'd really like to put it back!

I can make you GIGGLE!

Early Sunday morning I found my girls in bed (I went to bed early expecting a seizure from Camryn so I woke up early too!) and they were just too cute for words.


Camryn immediately jumped out of bed to get in line for the potty and left Elli behind. As you can tell, she was so thrilled!


She tried to hide from me as I tried to engage her in the camera since she is such a ham, but it didn't look too promising.


All it took was "my giggle girl needs smile" and I finally won.


I love how she makes my heart smile like this every time I see her!