Is some cosmic setting off?????

So my cousin is sick. He's had AML for almost 5 years now. He's done so well with it. Well the Leukemia came back and he needed his third transplant in about 15 months. He had the transplant last Friday. Now normally he gets a fever, it starts to break and he goes home to heal. Well today he developed a sinus infection that was so bad he needs to have surgery to remove it. This is the worst possible time as his immune system is so low right now. They have intubated him and I plan to go down there tonight to see him.
Please think good thought of him and for him. We want him to win this fight, even though the odds are stacked against him. Never a more deserving soul to stay with us.

My grandmother was really sick (my dad's mom in FL). She was apparently so sick that when her heart stopped they had to bring her back from the dead. I don't know all of the details, but she is too fragile to know about Camryn or Mike right now. I will post more as I know.

I just don't know how much I can handle. Here's the run down.

Camryn-Seizures/sleep disorder
my cousin-AML, transplant complications
Dan's mom-Congenial Heart Diseases fluid in lungs from it, home on bed rest.
Dan's grandmother with the stroke is now having seizures they can't stop and is losing milestones.
My grandmother was revived from the dead due to what I have not found out yet.
My mother's blood scare still hangs in the balance until the end of July.
Dan's uncle had 7 mini stokes over the last year and now has permanent memory loss.


Now is it just me or do bad things just keep happening? Is someone trying to tell me something? What cosmic setting has been knocked off it's course? I'd really like to put it back!

I can make you GIGGLE!

Early Sunday morning I found my girls in bed (I went to bed early expecting a seizure from Camryn so I woke up early too!) and they were just too cute for words.


Camryn immediately jumped out of bed to get in line for the potty and left Elli behind. As you can tell, she was so thrilled!


She tried to hide from me as I tried to engage her in the camera since she is such a ham, but it didn't look too promising.


All it took was "my giggle girl needs smile" and I finally won.


I love how she makes my heart smile like this every time I see her!

Once in a Lifetime!

Ok, so I will admit it. Before meeting my husband, Star Wars did not have a special place in my heart. I associated it with being a Trekie and I hate Star Trek. However, post nuptuials I have changed my ways. After being dragged to episode one I needed to go home immediately and watch 4, 5, and 6. I had so many questions. However, throughout, I loved Yoda. Who wouldn't? Old, green, and too smart for his own good, right? LOL When Dan called and told me that he won VIP tickets to the Star Wars Science museum exhibit I was stoked. We had access to all of the original scale models, costumes, rubber figures, and all the technology explanations behind the movies. It was incredible. I have more pictures, but at a whopping 90 photos, that's alot of uploading. My favorites will have to do!!!!


Dan's favorite thing was meeting the man behind the mask. Or should I say Armor? Anthony Daniels (I think that's his name) was the guest speaker and Dan was thrilled when his HR/Marketing represenetative talked the president of the museum and Anthony into a photo op. Here are the results. Remember, people rushing into the exhibit behind us!!!! A few bumps along the way...

Getting older or just going through another stage?

Lately I wonder what it is that I am going through. There are so many events that have happened in my life over the past 5 years that I know they take a while to catch up but so many of them seem to be overlapping. And ever-changing.

Five years ago next month I found out I was pregnant with Camryn. Now for us, this was a shock. We just had Elli, she was just 6 months old. We were told that we would probably be done by 25 as far as capability goes that we knew that putting two kids that close together would be too much for us. Or so we thought. This was the first day that I truely realized the statement that "God never gives you more than he can handle" and I had to absorb it. It took me twenty minutes to peel myself out of the chair at the clinic, and two weeks to openly talk about it with my closest friends. It took Dan and I two months to process it ourselves and feel comfortable enough to tell family, and only because at the 14 week u/s we were told that she was 3 weeks small and they wanted to check for CP. Nothing like a dose of reality to give you a swift kick in the pants and teach you what is important in life. It was from that moment on that I knew, whatever God gave me, I could handle. Dan on the other hand took it much better. He was ready to accept that this was it and others would have to shut off the comments if he wanted him to speak to them. I went through alot of thinking during her pregnancy. Especially since it was so much like Davin's. I was convinced she was a he. So convinced that by the time I left the u/s being told he was in fact a she, I couldn't speak to anyone. It took me months (about the 37 week u/s) to realize she was really a girl. Now for most women, this is not as hard to digest. For myself, this meant more diagnosis, more therapy, and more time away from the goals I had worked so hard to accept after the PCOS diagnosis. Once she was born something happened. I realized it didn't matter, that I could do this, and I could do it well, I was ready to face this challenge head on. And as time passed and she met milestones Dan and I thought, "Could it be? Could she be OK?" and we let ourselves believe that it was just God saying, here, here is an easy pass since you have been through so much already. Then time passed and some milestones were late, some didn't come at all, and then she lost some she had gained. We knew we needed to find something out, but we weren't so sure what. At 12 months, our worst fears. A CT showing Hydrocephalus, and surgeon appts for the following Monday. WOW. As her placement took place we thought it would fix everything. By the time we got to the revision we were hoping it would fix all the issues. After 1 year of headaches and pain for our little girl we decided it was time to seek a new doctor. As soon as the new doctor made the corrections the changes in Camryn flowed in. Her head no longer hurt, she could walk down the stairs, she was breaking through therapy goals in a flash. We were thrilled. Then the zone outs came. They got worse. Her first seizure at school this past October. And now after Months of medicine we are still fighting the battle. Finding a way to fix Camryn. I have come to terms that we can't fix Camryn, we can only help her. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. EVER. I have always prided myself on finding alternate routes. It's my thing. Roadblocks don't mean stop, they mean go around, detour. And this is one I just can't find a detour on. It's difficult. It's painful. It's discouraging. But most of all, it puts cracks in the definition of myself. So not what I want to deal with. But I look back at Camryn's road into our lives and I realize that she's here to teach me something. Something I haven't learned yet. She's always been here for that. I am convinced. To teach the world something about not being text book. I just need to find it.

My grandmother is dying of Alzheimers. This in and of itself feels like a cruel joke. Not just for me, but for anyone who has family dying of this disorder. To watch losing someone piece by piece is so cruel and degrading. This grandmother has been proceeded by some of the strongest women I know. All have lived to over 100, and have lived hard. Some in fields working well into their 90's. I have grown up off that strength and determination. I have built my values off of that. Life is what you make of it, no matter how old you are. And to watch that spunk slowly disappear is so hard. I see her cry, as she is greiving her independance as well. It's something that reverses some of the strength that I have built my foundation on but this has also taught me something that I have needed to learn. More on this later.

My cousin is dying from Leukemia. AML to be exact. Now this cousin I spent all of my childhood days with during the summer, weekends, holiday breaks, and family get-togethers. You know that person that you know is destined to be great and you feel like every time you are with them they are doing something big and you are a part of it? I have grown up most of my life knowing this. Mike brings light to life where there is only darkness, he makes every moment count and regrets nothing. I have admired him my whole life for this. Even if he is 10 months younger than I am. It's just a light you can't miss. He has taught me that through sickness there is laughter, through pain, there is joy, and through degeneration, there is rebirth. All of this great, and useful, and so inspiring. I just didn't know how much I would learn from him at the time, but every year this list gets longer and longer. I love him for that and I try to celebrate every aspect about life as much as I can through this growing knowledge.

My husband's grandmother suffered a stroke about 2 months ago. Such a spunky lady with determination and fight that seems to grow when you piss her off. She has no problems telling you how it is and how it's going to be and I have loved this about her since the day I met her and her oldest grandchild was naughty. Still makes me laugh to think of the glare that could have cracked the earth to it's core that day. Such respect of an elder. That's all I can title it. When she suffered this stroke, it happened in the middle of the night and she wasn't found until morning. Now working in the industry I do and knowing what I know about perfusion and effusion, I knew that things didn't look good. When she got to the hospital, they said the same. They were actually preparing the family for the worst. Then that fight came out. She was getting better, eating, sitting, even standing! The day she walked 40 steps we knew it was darkness of the past and that she would continually improve. Then she was moved to the nursing home and her anti-seizure meds/orders were not sent over either. She started having more seizures and more blockage and all progress was lost. They weren't sure what would happen. So now she is slowly working towards the first fight she one. Independence. Another struggle to watch someone lose that independence.

Through all of these events and relationships I have realized something. They all have something in them. Independence. Strength, and will to fight! It comes from within.
They all have determination that no matter what comes at them, they will move on, adapt, and make a new plan with the same courage!
They all have people they can count on to move forward with them and encourage them when those low moments come and to defend them when they are not strong enough to defend themselves.

All of these things make great people. Make people to admire. I have always had a talent for seeing this in people. I never asked myself why I wasn't one of those people. Why didn't I want to be one of those people. Why haven't I made strides to be that person????


This week I have learned why and how to change it. Such an revelation if you will.

I have for years thought that talking things through with my friends was how I coped. How I needed to deal with everything going on. That I needed to confide in others who knew me and knew what I was going through to make myself feel like I could continue in the fight. The closer I get to 30, the more I know this is not completely true.

Friendship is a two way road, no matter who it is with. Any relationship should be that way. And like the saying about friends for a day, month or lifetime really describes if interpreted is that...
If you have a friendship that becomes a cul-de-sac instead of a two way road, it's time to let it go, use what it has taught you, but not let the dead end poison you.
That if the friend ship is one of a lifetime it needs to be nurtured, it needs to be re-evaluated, modified, and tended to.
If it is a friendship for day, it was meant to teach you what you needed to learn right in that moment.

This week I learned that friends I have been the only party working on the connection need to be let go. For when they no longer stand up for other friends when they cannot stand on their own, it has become a cul-de-sac that only has signs of different views.
That if they want to come to me, they will and if they are willing to make it a two way street then it can become a friendship once again. As friendships come and go.
That if my "friends" decide to use means that didn't come from me, but through a game of telephone and gossip, that they aren't really trying to be my friend but divert attention off of them. So they aren't shunned by the bully from the friend who can't stand up for themselves due to exaustion.

I have realized that my life has little time for others. And that I need to be selective about the ones I allow into my life. After all, the reality of Camryn's disorder is that she can have a seizure at night that no one sees and it could either do so much damage, or several could do tons of damage collectively that some day she could be living in a bed. Helpless. The reality is that it's one scenario that I am not willing to let my actions stay the same for. I will not be the parent who sits at the child's bedside and says "I wish I would have made more memories" or "I wish I would have done things differently." I refuse to let the moments pass me by and I will make the most of them. And the hard reality of this is that it means only allowing enough time for the friends that keep our relationship a two way road and include our children in our events for the time being. The ones who know that some day we will get through this and will love us for who we are at any given moment and accept all that comes with that. Now we have several friends like that and I am thankful for them. So thankful.

I have learned that I still had to face these challenges alone even though my friends have helped me picked my path. I guess I feel like I am old enough to make these decision myself. That I can use my time with friends as a way to reconnect every so often and discard the ones I don't have time for and don't enhance the journey my family is on.

I think that through all of these people I have learned strength, but through Camryn, I have really learned what compassion and consideration is. It it's fullest form.

Wow, did I just say that? 5 years ago I wouldn't have even thought I could express that, let alone type it all out. Maybe I am growing up.

Is this really my last month of being 29?

WOW.
It's here, it's really here! I am going to be 30 next month. I am finally going to be the age that lets people know that I am not a child anymore! Some of the statements that have bothered me over the years?

"You look too young to be a mother!"
"You have for kids? But you're just a baby"
"Four kids? Are you even old enough to have one?"
"Did somebody put speed in your lifeclock?"

Now all of these comments may seem on the surface that I am very mature for how I look or my age or whatever, but they bring up so many questions for me.

"What, young people can't be good parents?"
"Why is it bad that I am accomplishing goals before the normal age?"
"Does aging well directly make me young and stupid?"
"Am I any less of a good mother because I was young when I had them?"

There is something about turning 30 that no longer warrants you to act like a kid, make stupid choices, and get away with all the crap that you used to when you were in your 20's. I have felt like I am 30'something for years! I have a hubby, house, kids, dogs, job, responsibiliites that have come first in my life, and most of all, I have common sense. Since when were these bad things? Since I gained them all in my 20's. I can't wait for people to see me as the adult I have been for the last 10 years (14 if you talk about how long I have lived away from home) and I can't wait to earn the respect of being in my 30's.

It's odd, I know, but it's like the grandparent that brings the kid a baby toy when they are 7 and just can't relate. It's not the number, it's the maturity level.

Found the goals I wanted to accomplish by turning 30 (1996)
Be married
Have a degree
Be involved with an international trade company
Have at least 2 kids
Live in a home that I designed
Be on the track to retire at 50

Now most of these I have accomplished. I wanted an MBA, it's on my list of to do's. I work for an global company, just not in international trade. I have four kids, guess I over achieved there, LOL. I did design my house, with an architect! And althogh we could retire at 50, we would have to live in a 1 bedroom apt. So we are getting there. I am sure once the kids graduate, we can put more money away to retirement anyway.

So what am I doing at the age of 30? To celebrate my growing up? To celebrate my frist 30 years (Thanks Tim McGraw :) )???

I am getting a tatoo!!!!

Speaking of Cupcakes-Jovi!

Harley's sister is currently named Cupcake. She's just as good as Harley!

New Beginings in Spring

So spring brings on many things. Many new things in most cases. The snow melts, the buds show their faces, and the neighbors are out on the lawn chatting and all of a sudden everyones schedule is BOOKED SOLID! It comes with great excitement and everyone (in the north) often waits 6 months for this time of year.

My friend Jovi (NY) just posted about how here bean sprouts are growing. My friend Wendy (IN) talks about how the lawn needs to be mowed. My friend Andrea (CA) talks about how frickin' hot it is. My daughter is depressed every day because school will be out for about 4 weeks. All of these conversations, comments, and observations tell me that summer is almost here. It's really a good thing, I could use the sun.

But in all this commotion, all I want to do is go home, get in comfy clothes, grab a pillow, blanket, and start a good movie fest on the DVR. Why you ask? All so I can snuggle up with this...



The newest member of the Falkman Family...

Harley Davidson

In the SPIRIT of Mondays...

You Are In a Good Mood

Today, you're feeling pretty together and happy. While not everything is going you're way, you're keeping things in perspective. And it seems like things are looking up for you!

What Mood Are You In?

Today has been so odd, some things going my way, others not, but all in all, I just can't get focused enough to work today. I am not sure what it is. I feel like taking Mikayla's photos (her own photo box) and just scrapbooking! I know that I need to clean, do laundry, and get stuff done but sheeesh! I dunno. Maybe I will pick up some caffeine on the way home to insure house cleaning completion, you know, that level of java that is so high that you really can't sit, but if you move, you can't notice the shaking?

A GREAT WAY TO KEEP BUSY WHEN STUCK AT HOME!

Ok, so I knew this was National Scrapbook Weekend, but I didn't think I could participate because I was overbooked this weekend. Baby shower 75 miles away form 11-2, friend's premie son's 1st birthday at 4, 45 miles away from that, and then home to sit with my kid who was hooked up to an EEG on Saturday. Then Sunday was supposed to be the day we celebrated Mother's Day with a bruch, but my aunt cancelled with school year coming to a close. I had already taken the day off from work at my second job, but I was going to work at my primary job. Then Camryn had a seizure about an hour before I was to leave for the baby shower. Funny how plans can change in an instant!
So I found out about an online crop where they post challenges and you create and upload to compete. Every competition is a lottery drawing, and it's a 5$ GC to their sight. What an idea! So here is some of what I did, some is the challenges, some is just in spirit of the weekend itself. I would post more, but I think at this rate I will just be putting in slideshows!
Pages completed over the weekend? 46.

I love this 2 page LO




A picture of Mikayla 3 weeks old, from her book.


Sooo Big!


Challenge #2 Paper Piercing


Challenge #1 Flowers

What a Weekend...

In the begining, we put it on, we kept it on, and we moved as one with the back pack.

So here is Camryn happily wearing her back pack. That's right, it's an ambulatory EEG. Not the best thing, but what kid doesn't like wearing a backpack?
We have finally had enough when it comes to the seizures or migraines, or whatever it is that is happening with this shunt. My child's brain needs to give us an answer, we just can't bare to see her in pain if there is something that can be done. Now we came home on Friday somewhat skeptical that we would see anything as Camryn never has seizures over the weekend. Even though lately she has had more zone outs here, we just hadn't seen the real deal. Or should I say, Dan hasn't.
The doctor was clear, if you think you know what is triggering the behavior, please, figure it out and test the theory. So I woke her up Saturday morning at 5:30 (ouch!) and we sat up and played, I posted on my mommy group board, I ate, and just hung out. About the time the family was up to have breakfast, she was complaining of a headache. She wouldn't eat. (Not a good sign) Then she really started crying and complaining that her head hurt and that she was going to puke. Then she did, white neruo puke. This child hand't eaten since 6 the night before and there was no red sauce in this. Then she passed out. About 60 seconds. Then she slowly woke up, came back into it, and then puked again without warning and was out again for about 2 minutes, but then was able to be aroused. So we just let her sleep. Almost 1 hour. Then she woke up slowly and withing 20 minutes was up playing like nothing happened! WTF? Did we really just see it? Did it really happen at home? Was it because of waking up so early? We will find out more Wednesday.
So here she is sleeping off what we thought was a seizure. So adorable and such a trooper, man I love this kid!