Getting older or just going through another stage?

Lately I wonder what it is that I am going through. There are so many events that have happened in my life over the past 5 years that I know they take a while to catch up but so many of them seem to be overlapping. And ever-changing.

Five years ago next month I found out I was pregnant with Camryn. Now for us, this was a shock. We just had Elli, she was just 6 months old. We were told that we would probably be done by 25 as far as capability goes that we knew that putting two kids that close together would be too much for us. Or so we thought. This was the first day that I truely realized the statement that "God never gives you more than he can handle" and I had to absorb it. It took me twenty minutes to peel myself out of the chair at the clinic, and two weeks to openly talk about it with my closest friends. It took Dan and I two months to process it ourselves and feel comfortable enough to tell family, and only because at the 14 week u/s we were told that she was 3 weeks small and they wanted to check for CP. Nothing like a dose of reality to give you a swift kick in the pants and teach you what is important in life. It was from that moment on that I knew, whatever God gave me, I could handle. Dan on the other hand took it much better. He was ready to accept that this was it and others would have to shut off the comments if he wanted him to speak to them. I went through alot of thinking during her pregnancy. Especially since it was so much like Davin's. I was convinced she was a he. So convinced that by the time I left the u/s being told he was in fact a she, I couldn't speak to anyone. It took me months (about the 37 week u/s) to realize she was really a girl. Now for most women, this is not as hard to digest. For myself, this meant more diagnosis, more therapy, and more time away from the goals I had worked so hard to accept after the PCOS diagnosis. Once she was born something happened. I realized it didn't matter, that I could do this, and I could do it well, I was ready to face this challenge head on. And as time passed and she met milestones Dan and I thought, "Could it be? Could she be OK?" and we let ourselves believe that it was just God saying, here, here is an easy pass since you have been through so much already. Then time passed and some milestones were late, some didn't come at all, and then she lost some she had gained. We knew we needed to find something out, but we weren't so sure what. At 12 months, our worst fears. A CT showing Hydrocephalus, and surgeon appts for the following Monday. WOW. As her placement took place we thought it would fix everything. By the time we got to the revision we were hoping it would fix all the issues. After 1 year of headaches and pain for our little girl we decided it was time to seek a new doctor. As soon as the new doctor made the corrections the changes in Camryn flowed in. Her head no longer hurt, she could walk down the stairs, she was breaking through therapy goals in a flash. We were thrilled. Then the zone outs came. They got worse. Her first seizure at school this past October. And now after Months of medicine we are still fighting the battle. Finding a way to fix Camryn. I have come to terms that we can't fix Camryn, we can only help her. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. EVER. I have always prided myself on finding alternate routes. It's my thing. Roadblocks don't mean stop, they mean go around, detour. And this is one I just can't find a detour on. It's difficult. It's painful. It's discouraging. But most of all, it puts cracks in the definition of myself. So not what I want to deal with. But I look back at Camryn's road into our lives and I realize that she's here to teach me something. Something I haven't learned yet. She's always been here for that. I am convinced. To teach the world something about not being text book. I just need to find it.

My grandmother is dying of Alzheimers. This in and of itself feels like a cruel joke. Not just for me, but for anyone who has family dying of this disorder. To watch losing someone piece by piece is so cruel and degrading. This grandmother has been proceeded by some of the strongest women I know. All have lived to over 100, and have lived hard. Some in fields working well into their 90's. I have grown up off that strength and determination. I have built my values off of that. Life is what you make of it, no matter how old you are. And to watch that spunk slowly disappear is so hard. I see her cry, as she is greiving her independance as well. It's something that reverses some of the strength that I have built my foundation on but this has also taught me something that I have needed to learn. More on this later.

My cousin is dying from Leukemia. AML to be exact. Now this cousin I spent all of my childhood days with during the summer, weekends, holiday breaks, and family get-togethers. You know that person that you know is destined to be great and you feel like every time you are with them they are doing something big and you are a part of it? I have grown up most of my life knowing this. Mike brings light to life where there is only darkness, he makes every moment count and regrets nothing. I have admired him my whole life for this. Even if he is 10 months younger than I am. It's just a light you can't miss. He has taught me that through sickness there is laughter, through pain, there is joy, and through degeneration, there is rebirth. All of this great, and useful, and so inspiring. I just didn't know how much I would learn from him at the time, but every year this list gets longer and longer. I love him for that and I try to celebrate every aspect about life as much as I can through this growing knowledge.

My husband's grandmother suffered a stroke about 2 months ago. Such a spunky lady with determination and fight that seems to grow when you piss her off. She has no problems telling you how it is and how it's going to be and I have loved this about her since the day I met her and her oldest grandchild was naughty. Still makes me laugh to think of the glare that could have cracked the earth to it's core that day. Such respect of an elder. That's all I can title it. When she suffered this stroke, it happened in the middle of the night and she wasn't found until morning. Now working in the industry I do and knowing what I know about perfusion and effusion, I knew that things didn't look good. When she got to the hospital, they said the same. They were actually preparing the family for the worst. Then that fight came out. She was getting better, eating, sitting, even standing! The day she walked 40 steps we knew it was darkness of the past and that she would continually improve. Then she was moved to the nursing home and her anti-seizure meds/orders were not sent over either. She started having more seizures and more blockage and all progress was lost. They weren't sure what would happen. So now she is slowly working towards the first fight she one. Independence. Another struggle to watch someone lose that independence.

Through all of these events and relationships I have realized something. They all have something in them. Independence. Strength, and will to fight! It comes from within.
They all have determination that no matter what comes at them, they will move on, adapt, and make a new plan with the same courage!
They all have people they can count on to move forward with them and encourage them when those low moments come and to defend them when they are not strong enough to defend themselves.

All of these things make great people. Make people to admire. I have always had a talent for seeing this in people. I never asked myself why I wasn't one of those people. Why didn't I want to be one of those people. Why haven't I made strides to be that person????


This week I have learned why and how to change it. Such an revelation if you will.

I have for years thought that talking things through with my friends was how I coped. How I needed to deal with everything going on. That I needed to confide in others who knew me and knew what I was going through to make myself feel like I could continue in the fight. The closer I get to 30, the more I know this is not completely true.

Friendship is a two way road, no matter who it is with. Any relationship should be that way. And like the saying about friends for a day, month or lifetime really describes if interpreted is that...
If you have a friendship that becomes a cul-de-sac instead of a two way road, it's time to let it go, use what it has taught you, but not let the dead end poison you.
That if the friend ship is one of a lifetime it needs to be nurtured, it needs to be re-evaluated, modified, and tended to.
If it is a friendship for day, it was meant to teach you what you needed to learn right in that moment.

This week I learned that friends I have been the only party working on the connection need to be let go. For when they no longer stand up for other friends when they cannot stand on their own, it has become a cul-de-sac that only has signs of different views.
That if they want to come to me, they will and if they are willing to make it a two way street then it can become a friendship once again. As friendships come and go.
That if my "friends" decide to use means that didn't come from me, but through a game of telephone and gossip, that they aren't really trying to be my friend but divert attention off of them. So they aren't shunned by the bully from the friend who can't stand up for themselves due to exaustion.

I have realized that my life has little time for others. And that I need to be selective about the ones I allow into my life. After all, the reality of Camryn's disorder is that she can have a seizure at night that no one sees and it could either do so much damage, or several could do tons of damage collectively that some day she could be living in a bed. Helpless. The reality is that it's one scenario that I am not willing to let my actions stay the same for. I will not be the parent who sits at the child's bedside and says "I wish I would have made more memories" or "I wish I would have done things differently." I refuse to let the moments pass me by and I will make the most of them. And the hard reality of this is that it means only allowing enough time for the friends that keep our relationship a two way road and include our children in our events for the time being. The ones who know that some day we will get through this and will love us for who we are at any given moment and accept all that comes with that. Now we have several friends like that and I am thankful for them. So thankful.

I have learned that I still had to face these challenges alone even though my friends have helped me picked my path. I guess I feel like I am old enough to make these decision myself. That I can use my time with friends as a way to reconnect every so often and discard the ones I don't have time for and don't enhance the journey my family is on.

I think that through all of these people I have learned strength, but through Camryn, I have really learned what compassion and consideration is. It it's fullest form.

Wow, did I just say that? 5 years ago I wouldn't have even thought I could express that, let alone type it all out. Maybe I am growing up.